Society seems to dictate that sex is this wonderful, fantastic, all-empowering thing that we must all be longing for all of the time. If you think about it, social media is full of celebrities (A list to Z list) whose obsession with appearance is approaching something that can be clinically diagnosed. If it’s not lips being filled, or breasts being enlarged or bottoms sculpted, then it’s nose jobs, veneers, hair extensions – the list goes on. Why are people so concerned about how perfect they look? Because they want to be attractive to the opposite sex, that’s the bottom line. And so we have this self-perpetuating idea that sex is the be all and end all of a happy life and whilst it is important, it doesn’t automatically follow that everyone should be up for sex 100% of the time. But if you aren’t feeling it then you’re also probably feeling that you have to hide that feeling. But what if there’s a different way forward? What if there’s something that can your mojo back again?
First of all, let’s have a think about why you might not be running for the bedroom. There are lots of things that can get – understandably – in the way, so is there just something that’s turning you off? Do you deliberately avoid being in bed at the same time as your partner? Have you perfected the art of fake sleeping? Are your pyjamas ankle and wrist length and barrier-like? It’s more common for women to lose their libido than it is for men and here are some of the reasons:
- Motherhood. That’s the big one. Quite apart from childbirth and birth injuries, there’s the sleep deprivation, stress, feeling ‘touched out’, priorities – all of these can get in the way of a healthy sex life. Your partner might be pulling their weight around the house, but that doesn’t magically breathe life back into your sex drive.
- Maybe you’ve just never really enjoyed sex? Low libido is a common thing.
- Boredom – groundhog day…..
- Low self-esteem – can’t bear for your partner to see you in all your naked glory.
- Long term relationship – it’s….just….been a long time…..
- Health/medical reasons – there are medications out there which will kill your sex drive dead.
To combat this sex dread, it’s important to acknowledge it first. Having zero interest in sex is a very common thing and by burying your head in the sand you won’t achieve anything. Avoiding any discussion is going to make it worse and possibly lead to your partner feeling frustrated, angry and resentful. An honest, open conversation is an excellent place to start to look for the solution. Even if it’s a conversation you don’t want to have.
Do you think that you never want to have sex again?
A surprisingly large number of people would leap for joy if their partner announced that they no longer had any interest in bedroom business, and for some couples that maybe the right agreement. Emphasis on the word ‘agreement’. There’s another point to make here too – and it’s that sex doesn’t have to mean penetration. ‘Sex’ is a concept, not just a purely physical act, and it might be that you’re happy with sex toys, porn and fantasies, or using hands or just mutual masturbation.
Being clear on this will bring clarity and that’s needed for the next step – if you decide that you have no interest going forwards, what does that mean for your relationship? It’s an understandable worry that people feel by being honest they will lose their relationship. And for some, they will. If one partner wants a robust sex life and the other one couldn’t care less, that is a problem.
Sex with other people?
Again, this could be a solution. But it’s also a thorny issue. It’s a simple choice – are you happy for your partner to indulge themselves elsewhere? If so, do you have rules, for example: complete discretion and it must never be mentioned, acknowledged but no details thank you. Is paying for sex allowed? Or is that a complete no-no and you’d rather a potentially emotional affair happening than sex workers being involved in your life in any way. Friends with benefits is the phrase that springs to mind.
Separation.
Sadly, this is sometimes the answer. If the physically intimate issues aren’t going away, then it’s perhaps best to call time on the relationship and seek new ones with people more suited to your mind set.
But – don’t panic! There are definitely a number of things you can try if you want to get back to business.
- 1.Look at your relationship as a whole. If it’s struggling in other areas, then sex might be the last thing on your mind anyway. Try and resolve any disagreements.
- 2.Tackle any body issues you might have. Everyone has their hang-ups and insecurities, but do they really matter to your partner?? Sexual intimacy is about so much more than looks, even if you think your stomach fat is going to be the main area of focus, the chances are that it really, really, won’t be. Ditto with small breasts and chubby legs – your partner is going to be appreciating what they have right under their nose giving them pleasure, not what they don’t have. So get on top of these worries – literally and figuratively.
- 3.Identify when you most feel like it (or have historically most felt like it) and try to recreate it.
- 4.Start having sex already ‘warm-ed up’. If you can, spend a little time by yourself first with whatever sexual aid you desire and get yourself going – but not to the point of orgasm. Save that bit for your partner.
- 5.Develop fantasies you can store in your head and pull out when the time is right.
- 6.Make sure that you have sex before an evening out – and not after. You might have to forgo the evening build up, but it does mean that you actually get to have sex.
- 7.It sounds counter-intuitive, but start having regular sex. The more you do it, the more you might want it. That’s the theory anyway.
- 8.Invest in new things for the bedroom. That could be cushioscented lube, it’s entirely up to you.
So in conclusion, there are a number of different techniques that you can try to get things started again, or running more regularly, just mix and match with whatever suits you/your partner. But if you do decide for definite that sex is off the cards, that’s fine too – just have an honest conversation about it. Everything always feels a lot better when you’ve got your partner on your side.
