Where Is My Orgasm

Where Is My Orgasm

Gender inequality is A Thing. We’re all heard of the professional glass ceiling and salary packages not exactly matching up between male and female employees, but if we look past those issues and peer into what it means between the sheets – does the ‘orgasm gap’ mean anything to you? We're talking about the disparity between men and women experiencing orgasms and like the classic TFL announcement, you better ‘mind the gap’. Male orgasms are often perceived to be rather straightforward: basically guaranteed if a good rhythm can be established. Whilst in contrast, the female orgasm is often presented as an elusive, complex and a basically mysterious phenomenon that tends to loiter in the shadows and only make fleeting appearances.

So, does it matter whether women are climaxing? The answer is certainly yes. The fact that orgasms are a really important part of our more general physical and mental wellbeing is something which is often overlooked. Not only does it release hormones that promote affection and act as a natural anti-depressant, they strengthen the immune system and increase blood flow to the skin – both of which are good for our cardiovascular health. Asking your GP about this particular issue might make for an awkward consultation, which is why we’ve put together this guide for women about How To Have More Orgasms.

Don’t fake it. If we’re honest, most women have resorted to a pretend climax of pleasure at one point or another. One study even claims that a whopping 80% of women have faked an orgasm at least 50% of the time during vaginal intercourse. But why? Embarrassment that we can't reach the big 'O' or worry that they might think that our lack of orgasm is a direct result of their inferior performance. Or speeding things up is another common reason to fake orgasm, sometimes we’re just not up to Olympics during the sheets and it’s easier to pretend that you’re done and satisfied than it is to say “Stop”.

As with most things in life, communication is key. If you don’t tell your partner what it is that drives you wild, how are they supposed to know? Having a conversation before you get down to it is sometimes easier, as it's a less pressured situation. Ask your partner what really takes them to the brink, and share what sparks your own oh-my-god moments.

Don’t be afraid to talk about pleasure. There's still a huge amount of stigma around the female orgasm. Candid, open and honest conversation around pleasure with partners and friends can help tackle some of the awkwardness or reserve that you might feel. A survey by The Eve Appeal found that women are more acquainted with the male anatomy than their own. Their research found that a mere 35% of women were able to correctly identify the female anatomy, versus 60% who could correctly label a diagram of the male body. Bit of a shock, that one.

Be clear about the difference between genuine female pleasure and that which the pornography industry would have people believe. The vast majority of women are not going to screech and scream in pleasure and orgasm at the mere sight of a penis.

Get rid of any sexual ‘routines’. Having sex on a Thursday night and a Saturday morning is all very well, but it doesn’t leave much time for spontaneity and unexpectedly thrilling intercourse.

Change it up a bit. Introduce sex toys into the bedroom, experiment with different things and discover a bit more about what really turns you on. And don’t forget that condoms have a big role to play here, there are so many options to pick from that you can be trying new things as often as you like. There are different flavours, different scents, different textures, ones with added lube, ones with warming gel to really fan the flames of passion and many other options.

Remember to breathe. That sounds like an over-simplification of the issue, but often we're not fully relaxed when we're getting down to it, and without realising it, are actually holding our breath. This means oxygen and blood aren't flowing like they need to for a positive orgasmic experience. This will all come naturally if you’re working on your relaxation techniques.

There are some great tips here, but it doesn’t necessarily follow that they will apply equally to everybody. Getting maximum sexual pleasure out of your love life is a personal thing and the best way to discover what that means for you is to take things slowly and make sure that you are genuinely really enjoying yourself at every sexual stage. Have confidence! That is often the sexiest thing of all. 

Stuart Brown
Doctor of Sexual Health at the NHS Royal London Hospital & Relationship Expert. Columnist at An advocate of safe sex. Avid Arsenal fan.

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