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Should I Talk to My Teen About Masturbation?

Should I Talk to My Teen About Masturbation?

Does the idea make you recoil in horror? Or are you shrugging your shoulders in a ‘yeah, of course I will’ kind of way? Whether you’re the former or latter category, it’s definitely something that requires a lot of thought before you make your ultimate decision. Getting it wrong can be just as harmful – if not more – than not addressing it at all. How do you start to go about making your decision? First of all, it might be useful to have a quick look at how masturbation has been viewed through the ages. That’s right - the ages. If you’re wondering about how on earth we could ever know about genital stimulation by your own hand back way back when, the answer is a very simple one – they drew about it. There are lots of prehistoric cave paintings showing people masturbating, usually men rather than women, but examples of both can be found. One of the more incredible (literally) ancient beliefs is that the god Atum created the Universe by masturbating to ejaculation. There’s something you probably didn’t know! But we go forward to the 17th/18th/19th centuries, masturbating was frowned upon, if not outright declared as extremely harmful. Some of the side effects of touching yourself intimately were claimed to be:

  • -Blindness
  • -Lack of mental capacity
  • -Seizures
  • -Insanity
  • -Becoming impotent
  • -Being unable to carry children

These were just a few of the beliefs held by people even just a hundred years ago. It’s almost unbelievable.

But fast forward to the modern age and things are very different now. We are far more open about all things sexual, and far more knowledgeable. If you tried to tell someone now that masturbating would lead them straight to a secure psychiatric unit, they would laugh in your face (hopefully). We know it’s a perfectly normal and healthy habit to have. But when it comes to whether or not teaching your own children about masturbation is a good thing, opinions are divided. Some people are firmly in the ‘Yes’ camp, and others in the ‘No’. So, who’s right?

Reasons for saying YES.

  • 1.It gives you a valuable opportunity to create a good bond with your child, a bond where they feel that they can talk to you about anything, which can only be a good thing. If you take the lead and show them that’s OK to discuss stuff like this, you could well be making them (sub)consciously more able to come to you in the future with intimate issues, like contraception, STIs, pregnancy choices, etc.
  • 2.You can make sure that they’re getting their facts straight. Too many young adults pick up bits and pieces of the jigsaw puzzle and slot them into the wrong place. It might be from their friends, from books or just from watching TV. If you take the initiative to talk to your teen about masturbation, you can make sure that they are getting the facts in black and white.
  • 3.You can pick the right time to discuss it, and hopefully before they develop any worries about doing it. You can reassure them that they aren’t going to go blind, or develop epilepsy or become mentally ill as a result of masturbation.
  • 4.You can give them a full picture, rather than partial. It’s not a very complicated thing, but for a young adult to only have some of the facts can lead to a tricky understanding of the facts. Being told outright how the land lies has got to be a good approach.
  • 5.They are more likely to ask questions that they otherwise wouldn’t feel comfortable about asking. And you can see how this makes sense, if your parent has never alluded to any sort of masturbation issues, then how can you feel comfortable coming to them and enquiring as to whether wet dreams are normal? It unlikely to be as straightforward a path than if there’s been a conversation before that.
  • 6.You can actually encourage healthier sexual relationships by suggesting to your teen that they get to know their own body before they allow someone else near it.

Reasons for saying ‘NO’.

  • 1.Ultimately, masturbation is usually a private thing, and attempting to delve deep inside your teenager’s psyche about the most private of issues could make them back off rather quickly and you certainly don’t want to push them away. It’s important that you read the signs here to work out what the right approach might be.
  • 2.It might just cause embarrassment, not an open dialogue. If your teen is a private person who keeps things to themselves, then respecting that is a very important thing. You want them to be able to come to you if they want to, so fostering a respectful relationship is vital.
  • 3.You might pick the wrong time. Simple as that. You might misjudge what stage of life they are at and wade in where it just isn’t necessary.

If we look at the bigger picture, it’s going to be down to the parent to make the call as to whether talking to their teen about masturbation is the right way to go. If you aren’t sure, then there is a middle ground, you can buy a book which addresses the topic instead. Online research is not going to be the best idea, unless you’re confident that you have robust content restrictions in place. Learning about anything sexual from porn is definitely not the way forward, facts and experiences are your friends here, not scenes that are designed to be erotic rather than informative.

Stuart Brown
Doctor of Sexual Health at the NHS Royal London Hospital & Relationship Expert. Columnist at britishcondoms.uk. An advocate of safe sex. Avid Arsenal fan.

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