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Most Common Questions In A Long Term Relationship?

Most Common Questions In A Long Term Relationship?

You might be in the very best of relationships, having your partner as your best friend, enjoying hobbies together and cooking each other favourite meals regularly – but that doesn’t mean that sex has to be magical every time. It’s a very common worry in long term relationships, should more be done in the bedroom? Are you sexually satisfying your partner? These are more likely to be worries if you got together young and haven’t had the time for experimentation, or different partners. Having sex with just one person for the rest of your life might not be easy – and nor is it supposed to be. Men especially are hardwired to ‘sow their seeds’ around, to make sure that their genetic line gets the strongest possible chance of continuation. If you find yourself in this situation, then these questions and answers should give you some reassurance. What are the most common sex questions in a long term relationship?

  • 1.Masturbation. Why does my partner do this even when we have a regular, fulfilling sex life?
    The first point is that whilst masturbation is healthy, it shouldn’t be replacing real sex. Assuming it doesn’t, it’s a perfectly normal thing within a relationship – even if the bedroom antics are great. It doesn’t signal boredom, or that your partner doesn’t find you sexually appealing, it’s just a method of having a quick orgasm, usually done when the other partner isn’t in the mood, or to indulge fantasies that won’t get played out in real life. It should be very much a side event to the main attraction. Extra plus points here are that studies have repeatedly shown that those who regularly masturbate have a higher sex drive. The bottom line is that masturbation is great for you – great for your relationship.
  • 2.Do you have to give oral sex even if you don’t like it?
    First things first – you should NOT be pressurised into anything – this is an absolute bedroom rule. Continuous consent is paramount. But if you aren’t keen on going down there, keep in mind that this could be a real problem for your partner and you’re potentially taking away a hugely satisfying part of sex for them. Particularly for women – lots find oral sex the only way to orgasm with a partner. Most worries around this have a solution: if the smell or taste bothers you then a quick, thorough, just-before-sex shower is the key. If you’re worried about choking on your partner’s penis then don’t let him hold the back of your head for guidance, so you have total control over when and how much. If you’re thinking that you don’t know how to do it ‘properly’, there’s rarely a ‘wrong’ way to perform oral sex. As long as you’re gentle, it should feel good and your partner can guide you towards what works best for them. A sexual discovery journey that can be erotic in and of itself!
  • 3.If you’re bored of sex, should we do it anyway?
    There are very different schools of thought on this. Practically all couples will look at each other once in a while and think ‘nah, not up for this, can’t be bothered’. If that sounds like you and your partner, should you just crack on anyway simply for the sake of ‘having had sex’? Well, it depends on the strength of feeling and whether your partner feels the same, but sex doesn’t have to mean penetration….The answer here could be to take a deliberate break and plan your bedroom resurgence in a few months. A complete break from each other’s bodies could well reignite the fire. Then once you’re back to sexual encounters, enforce a ‘no intercourse for a month’ rule, only foreplay allowed. Then the month after ban oral sex, for example. Mix and match what is ‘allowed’ in the bedroom to keep it fresh. If you really want to turn it up a notch, then you could try acting out each other’s fantasies. There’s usually a way back to sexual satisfaction for couples.
  • 4.Should I always be the one initiating sex?
    This is a self-fulfilling prophecy – the more one partner initiates, the less the other one will. So whichever way around it is for you, take it in hand and try the opposite.
  • 5.What if we like doing different things in bed?
    The main solution here is to communicate and compromise. It’s not necessarily a big issue, it could be just a preference for one thing over another. If your partner can only climax whilst wearing a rubber mask and you only want vanilla sex, then that is a problem. But by and large you and your partner have an honest and open relationship (with each other, not other people!) then you can compromise so each gets ‘a turn’ at what they want. For example, the female might want oral sex and the male might want fast, hard, thrusting sex so take turns so both of you have a go. The key here is to be open and honest, by communicating well with your partner you are massively increasing your chances of having a sexually satisfying relationship.
  • 6.Is it wrong to fantasise about someone else in bed?
    This is a thorny issue, interestingly, the statistics suggest that 80% of adults do. No matter how close and loving your relationship with your partner, most people will experience attraction towards another person at some point in their relationship. Arguably, by fantasising about them during sex you’re removing the temptation to take this into real life. But if you’re doing it every time, that’s not a good thing. Constant sexual fantasies about one person can suggest signs of a greater attraction and lead to obsessive thoughts. Conclusion: thinking about others occasionally is perfectly normal, doing it all the time means that you might need to examine your sexual relationship with your partner a bit more closely.

If you feel that things have got a bit beyond what you can manage yourselves, then there are some very good sex therapists out there. There’s nothing to be ashamed or nervous about, seeing a specialist counsellor is all creating a safe space where you and your partner can talk and toss ideas around in a calm environment. As we’re currently in the middle of a pandemic, there are online options too which you could pick so you can do it from home.

It’s more common for couples to do this than you might think. After all, if it gets you both on the same page then what’s wrong with that?

Stuart Brown
Doctor of Sexual Health at the NHS Royal London Hospital & Relationship Expert. Columnist at britishcondoms.uk. An advocate of safe sex. Avid Arsenal fan.

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