Female Libido : MIA?

Female Libido : MIA?

Having a lower sex drive is something which most people experience during their lifetime. After all, we can’t all be up for sex all of the time. But when everyone’s talking about their Tinder matches and the vague possibility of post-lockdown sex, or your best mate can’t stop talking about the fab new sex position she’s been using with her long-term boyfriend, it can feel a bit, well, weird. Especially if you’re trying to locate your sex drive from the inner depths of your body.


There’s been a recent survey where 1,696 women between the ages of 25-40 were asked about their sex lives in which more than three out of five admitted to regularly feeling not only not in the mood, but also actively finding reasons to avoid sex. Who knew? And 91% of this number said that there was a negative emotional toll associated with this – disappointment, awkwardness, self-consciousness, to name a few.

A bigger problem was found to be the worry about how partners were feeling about it all. Do they think that’s it, no sex forever? That their partner is abnormal? Are they planning to leave because of the lack of sex? It can be hard to banish these unwelcome thoughts and they definitely aren’t going to get you in the mood for intimacy. If this sounds a bit like how you’re feeling then there are two bits of good news: a) you’re not alone, and b) there are ways to get past this.

Onwards and upwards – how do I deal with this?

The answer to the above question is that there are lots of ways. Read through the guide below to see if any of them resonate with you and whether or not you think they could help.

  • 1.Lots of women experience self-consciousness in the bedroom (could even be fair to say most women). You might be unhappy with your body image, worried about your partner finding softness where you think there should be toned muscle or that your legs aren’t as sexy as they once were. Practicing mindfulness whilst in bed is a good way to get past any insecurities. Stop worrying about whether your partner can see your cellulite and focus on how their hands are making you feel. There’s no need to concentrate on anything apart from the connection between the two of you.
  • 2.You could go for the DIY option. Masturbation is a great, low pressure way to stimulate sexual feelings in a relaxed environment. Get in tune with your body and you’ll feel more comfortable in bed with your partner. And remember – the more sexual pleasure you have, the more you want it.
  • 3.This is a bit of a curveball, but how much non-sexual pleasure do you have in your life? Making yourself feel nice is not solely confined to sex, so concentrate on finding the pleasure triggers in your life, anything from enjoying a really big bowl of Coco Pops in the morning to a last minute stroll through the dusk with the dog. And if you can’t find any, then create them (this is all along a theme, as you might have noticed). And remember to accept it as normal, no-one is going to be 100% up for sex 100% of the time, there’s a natural ebb and flow.
  • 4.That said, there are some medical reasons for having a low sex drive which you could rule out if you’re worried:
  • A hormonal imbalance
  • Side effects of some medicines.
  • A thyroid condition.
  • Depression.
  • 5.If low libido has been a long term or chronic thing for you then a visit to your GP might be on the cards. Don’t be afraid to ask the outright question “Do you think my low sex drive is more likely to be a psychological problem or a physiological one?”. Very rarely it can be a sign of hypoactive sexual desire disorder (HSSD) which would need further probing and probably treatment. Your Dr will ask you all the necessary questions, all you have to do is provide the info. Once you’ve ruled out any medical reasons then you’ll be free to concentrate on healing your mind to get back into the sexual fold.
  • 6.Talk about it. Talk to your friends about what’s happening and how it’s making you feel. The impact on your life, the effect of your emotions, how you see things going forward, etc. Anything that’s bothering you, basically. You definitely won’t be alone in this and getting a confidence boost from those closest to you is certainly going to make you feel good. You never know, unloading some of this emotional weight might be the key to unlocking your sexual desire.
  • 7.Last, but definitely not least, be open and honest with your partner. Don’t be afraid to get their perspective on the whole situation too. Don’t shut them out, however tempting it might be to hide the problem. And maybe try some low pressure moves to try and get your groove back.

The thing that you need to take away with you is that there are routes wide open for helping you to fix this. It’s just a case of identifying which path is the right one for you.

Stuart Brown
Doctor of Sexual Health at the NHS Royal London Hospital & Relationship Expert. Columnist at An advocate of safe sex. Avid Arsenal fan.

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